FREE ESSAY ON CO-DEPENDANCY

CO-DEPENDANCY

Co-Dependency The concept of Co-Dependency was developed as a way of explaining how family
members of alcoholics, especially their spouses, became emotionally ill apparently as a
result of living with an alcoholic for years. Co is a prefix that means like or with -
the family member becomes sick like and with the dependent (the person dependent on a
chemical). There are several common problems that often go along with life with an
alcoholic or drug abuser, including their unpredictable moods, selfish and irresponsible
behavior, angry outbursts which may include verbal or physical abuse, broken promises and
commitments, embarrassing public behavior, financial irresponsibility, legal problems,
and inability to return love or affection. However, most chemically dependent people have
periods when they function well, and this generates the hope that they will stay well,
quit or control their chemical use, and become responsible and loving for good. Most
chemically dependent people have jobs, families and houses, so if you don't know them
very well they appear to be doing alright. Because of the fear that embarrassment, shame
and loss of prestige will be the result of others finding out about the drinking or drug
problem, the co-dependent does everything possible to cover up the problem and present
the image of the perfect family. He or she may borrow money or take a second job to cover
debts incurred by the addicted person, make excuses to bosses and children for the
alcoholic's or addict's failure to keep promises and commitments, and in other ways hold
the family together while keeping the addicted person from having to face the
consequences of his or her behavior. They will also train the children not to tell anyone
about the other parent's angry outbursts or irresponsibility. When the problem is
revealed, others often say they had no idea and can't believe what was happening in that
nice family. Because the chemically dependent person, in anger, will make it clear who
they believe has the problems (everyone else), the co-dependent will try to accommodate
them in the hope that this change or that effort will make the alcoholic or addict happy
and thus, he or she will stop using or drinking. Any attempt to discuss the alcoholic's
drinking will be met with anger or defensiveness, so talking about how the co-dependent
feels when the alcoholic drinks is also taboo. Eventually, the co-dependent comes to feel
that their own feelings are unimportant, as indeed they are - since how they feel about
things rarely makes any difference as the addicted person bulldozes his or her way
through life with no thought for how his or her actions affect others. This denial of
attention to one's own feelings is the hallmark of co-dependency. As the joke goes: The
co-dependent person was driving along and hit a patch if ice. The car slid over the edge
of the road, and on the way down - someone else's life flashed before their eyes!
Co-dependent people, when they come for therapy, are often confused about what the
problem is and what to do about it. They may come seeking the answer to how to make their
alcoholic stop drinking, and may later choose to set up a Family Intervention (to
confront the addicted person and attempt to get them into treatment for their addiction),
but usually they are fearful, anxious, depressed, guilty and ashamed and they need to
spend some time sorting out their feelings. Sometimes they are unsure of whether they
even love their alcoholic or addicted partner anymore. Sometimes they need to think
through the possibility of separating from their partner. Whatever stage they are in,
they need an unbiased person to help them look at their situation objectively, rather
than through eyes of anger or through a pink haze of false optimism. Many spouses and
families have made numerous attempts to take a stand on the alcoholic's drinking or the
addict's drug use, but caved in out of fear or from being worn down. Sometimes the
addicted person will, when confronted, cut down or quit for awhile and get the family to
back off, but once the pressure is off will go right back to their substance of choice. A
psychologist, trained in chemical dependency and familiar with the problems of
co-dependent families, can help the spouse and family sort through their feelings, decide
on a course of action, stand firm in following through on that course of action, and cope
with the consequences of their choices. The psychologist can also help the family
understand what to expect from the addicted person if they do get sober (believe us, that
is not the end of the struggle or the solution to all the family's problems!). I think
that the people in need should get help for their problems and seek somebody more than a
doctor or a physicion but they should seek the help of God above for spiritual help. Like
in Psalm 11:1, In the Lord I take refuge. How then can you say to me: Flee like a bird to
your mountaain. And what that means is that in any time of need or distress you can ask
the Lord to help you with yor problems, and take the shelter that you need in Him and
take refuge in Him.