FREE ESSAY ON HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE

HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE

How to Win Friends & Influence People, by Dale Carnegie
This book was written in 1936 by Dale Carnegie. Some of the terms and vocabulary used are
dated but the advice and information can still be used today. It deals with communication
with others and the need for all parties to be able to perceive the objective from the
others' viewpoint. The perspective of the book is from a position of power or management
but it can be useful to anyone that reads it. While this book is useful, it should be
remembered it was written during a time when the people in the workforce had a very
strong protestant work ethic socialized into them. 
The book is divided into four parts, and they are: Fundamental Techniques in Handling
People. The next section is called: Six Ways to Make People Like You. The third chapter
is titled: How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking. The final segment is called: Be a
Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment.
The titles to the sections are somewhat blunt and imply manipulation instead of
understanding or compromise but the book stresses seeing things from the viewpoint of
others and resolving conflict in mutually acceptable ways. The emphasis of the book is
teaching the skills necessary to use the collaborating conflict style and behavior
modification.
The first section, Fundamental Techniques in Handling People, has three principles. 1)
Don't criticize, condemn or complain; this is the most difficult one to manage. 2) Give
honest, sincere appreciation. Everyone has some positive traits. 3) Arouse in the other
person a desire to please. Using these principles promote the ability for the individuals
to have an open, honest conversation. This in turn creates a positive atmosphere for
conflict resolution. 
The six principles of the second segment are, Six Ways to Make People Like You, 1) Be
sincerely interested in other people. 2) Smile at people. 3) Remember and use a person's
name. It relays a message. It tells people they are important to you. 4) Be a good
listener and encourage other people to talk about themselves. 5) Talk in terms of the
other person's interest. 6) Finally, make the other person feel important and do it
honestly. 
The third section, How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking, has twelve principles. 
1) The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it. 2) Show respect for the
other person's opinion, never say you're wrong. 3) If you are wrong admit it quickly and
emphatically. 4) Begin in a friendly way. 5) Get the other person saying, yes,
immediately. 6) Allow the other person to express his/her ideas or opinions. 7) Let the
other person think the idea is his/hers. 8) Try honestly to see things from the other
person's point of view. 9) Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires. 10)
Appeal to the nobler motives. 11) Illustrate and give examples of the benefits of your
ideas. 12) Make the individual feel personally challenged to implement the idea.
The last nine principles come from the final part of the part of the book, Be a Leader. 
1) Begin with praise and honest appreciation. 2) Call attention to people's mistakes
indirectly. 3) Talk about your own mistakes before discussing the other person's. 4) Ask
questions instead of giving direct orders. 5) Do not attack the dignity of the other
person. 6) Praise the slightest improvement. Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in
your praise. 7) Set a good example. 8) Use encouragement. Make the problem seem easy to
correct. 9) Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest. 
Relationships are oriented toward reaching goals. The important thing to remember is
everyone's primary goal in the relationship may not be the same. For example, in a work
relationship, the employer's goal is for the business to be successful while the
employee's goal is usually the maintenance and upkeep of self and/or a family. These seem
to be goals that could be mutually satisfied but that is not always the case. If the
employee's family increases and the volume of business decreases there will be a real
conflict between these two goals. Sometimes, the only resolution is to sever the
relationship but only after other options have been considered from all perspectives. 
I have learned an important lesson from this book which is fundamental for all
relationships. Any relationship is consensual. All parties implicitly agree to work
within some type of boundaries. These implied boundaries create the structure and the
nature of the relationship. Any party to the relationship can upset this structure by
behaving in a manner that does not fit their role. The roles are defined by the
individual's power and position within the relationship.
Even abusive, personal relationships have this arrangement, otherwise the relationship
could not exist. Individuals within abusive relationships, have psychological and/or
socio-economic reasons that prevent recognition of the nature of the relationship or they
feel an inability to exist outside of it. 
The advice Mr. Carnegie relates in his book is helpful but either people have changed
drastically or he was a truly naive person. His assumption is that an individual who
respects his/her employer and has a desire to accommodate him/her, will make decisions
logically, based on the mutual cost and benefits. This isn't always true. In fact, it
probably isn't true half of the time. I am a manger for a local business and I have tried
to use some of the advice from the book for problems which occur frequently. I have had
some success using his advice. I have found no real support for his assumption that most
people behave rationally or use logic as a tool for decision making. 
For example, absenteeism is a major problem. I have an employee that worked part-time.
She supports herself and one child. She was calling off from work about once a week. She
and I discussed this, she said she was having problems with her car and needed money to
have it fixed. She asked for a loan to have her it repaired. She wanted to work an extra
day every week until the loan was repaid. Her car is now running well but she still
misses at least once a week. Considering the loan payment that is withheld from her
check, she is taking home less money than she did previously. I am sure she justifies
this to herself in some manner but I fail to see any rational or logical explanation for
her behavior. 
This book and others like it are used in seminars across the country for management
training. Perhaps, the real purpose is to train management to work together in problem
solving. That is where I have found it to be the most useful.