FREE ESSAY ON LOOKING BACK IN MY LIFE

LOOKING BACK IN MY LIFE

When exactly is it in life when you expect that your becoming an adult? For me I think I'm
still in transition. I am ready for the real world but I still trying to get use to being
responsible. I got a job for the responsibility and to make money but when I should be
accounting for how much money I make I simply slack off. In fact I don't even do it. I
should also be saving but I can't even do that. Once I get my check I am ready to spend
it and regret it later when I'm broke. There have been many times when I had to resort to
the change in my ashtray for gas money. 
Growing up is something that I look as bittersweet. It's great that that I am going to
have responsibility and have more control of my life, but I also scars me. What if I
fail? What if I make those bad decisions? I've never been a very responsible person, I
look to other for help and for guidance but I am going to have to start doing it on my
own. Responsibility isn't hard but its something I have to get use to. Having a job is
great. You have money, you have responsibility but I can't say Well, I don't feel like
working today so I'm not going in. It is a commitment and maybe that's something that I
had a problem with simply because a feeling of being trapped. The feeling that you have
an obligation that you must keep. 
Not all commitments are negative. A lot of these commitments help you grow as a person.
The best example of that is a relationship of mine. This relationship has help me grow in
so many ways, it is the best thing that has happen in my life. I have learned that you're
not the only one that matters in the world and as soon as I got into this relationship I
all of a sudden reset my priorities. I look at what really mattered to me, and I put
myself at the bottom. It's not because I had no self-esteem or I wasn't worth it but
because there are things in life that are more important than just myself. I became more
considerate. I'm still not as considerate as I would like to be but I'm working on it. I
put the people that were the most important to men at the top because I knew that they
would be there for me when I needed them. I may not have always been there for them but
they are still there for me because they really care about me. Even if we got into a
fight an hour ago, those people are willing to drop for the sake of you and your feeling
and that is truly when you know that you are loved. 
A problem that I was only able to see in retrospect is that I never really a good
listener. It's one thing to hear something but it's another to just listen for many
people (mostly guys). A lot of the time people just want you to listen and understand
them, not try and fix it. They want you to understand what they are taking about and you
can't really focus on what they are talking about and trying to figure out a way to solve
it at the same time. I doesn't take much to listen. There are a lot of time when people
just want to tell you what's on their mind, whether they have a problem or not. It's a
feeling everyone loves. Being heard. Being able to know that someone can see it the way
you see, knowing someone can relate.
Another big problem that I had was that I never was really open with people. I never
shared my problem with the people that cared about me. I simply felt "well; it's my
problem. I should deal with it." Why burden anyone else with my problems? But what I
didn't see was that I was hurting the people around me. When you know something is wrong
with someone and they won't tell you, you will feel rejected. You feel like "this person
obviously doesn't feel comfortable with me, and that's why they won't tell me what's
wrong". You might even feel a sense of responsibility for what's wrong with that person
because you don't know if it's because of you or not. The main feeling though is
hopelessness knowing that because this person doesn't open up to you, so you can't help
them because you don't know what's going on. 
Why exactly am I writing this? Why am I letting people know what I went through? Simply
because I won't like anyone making the same mistakes I did. I had though live though
this. I put people around me, people that cared for me thorough this. If I can go back I
would defiantly do things differently but then I know I really wouldn't have learned
anything. In life you have to live to learn. Unless you've been through it, you won't
learn from it. You won't know what it really feels like to be in the situation simply be
hearing about it or reading it. You have to experience it first hand and deal with it
yourself. It's pretty much pointless for me to say these things but you should be aware
that they are out there.
I think that is a sign of growing. Begin able to see you, your life and your problems in
retrospect. "Staring at the world in my rear view" as Tupac once said. Seeing where you
messed up and learning from it so you don't make the same mistake twice. Being able to
see thing from a higher perspective, not just your own. I haven't lived very long but I
do know that life is a series of ups and downs; peaks and valley. You have to learn to
embrace those peaks and live through those valleys, if you want to be happy. Everyone
goes to hard time but always look for brighter days or that light at the end of the
tunnel. Try to find the good in every thing even if it's really hard to do. If you tired
and it's only second period just remind yourself that you only have four more periods. If
your dead tired at work just be happy the you have someone or something to go home to and
just be happy about the little things in life because those are the ones that matter the
most. Life is beautiful, enjoy it.